Jealous

Hi, everybody. This is Tracy Malone from narcissistabusesupport.com. I am a narcissist abuse coach, and I speak with people all the time. I also lead some support groups here in

Colorado, so on a monthly basis, I usually talk to about forty to sixty other survivors. And so

today we're gonna talk about something that comes up with them all the time, and I'm sure that if you were in some kind of romantic relationship or, uh, a

marriage with a narcissist, not so much on the, on the parents and work people, but, um, in a relationship with a narcissist, they probably have turned the tables and

called you jealous. And now here's the funny part is that most victims that I talk to, most survivors say to me that they're not the jealous type. This isn't

the way that they roll. They, they've never been a jealous person, and they don't understand why the narcissist is calling them jealous.

We have to remember that narcissists like to take the very best parts of you and turn them into something that's wrong. So if you were never a jealous person,

they're going to turn that around so that you kind of lose yourself. In many ways, they are actually making you jealous because they are trying to deflect from whatever

behaviors they're doing, um, and then turn it around and, you know, turn it on you. I believe it's a gaslighting technique. So if you think about narcissists calling you

jealous and, and what a gaslighting technique is, a gaslighting technique is to tell you something that isn't really true and try to convince you that it is true so

that you get confused, and you don't understand why they're, they're accusing you of being jealous, so you say in this case. So, um, what we have to understand is

that, um,

narcissists actually manufacture, um, situations in which people, victims and survivors and partners end up feeling jealous, right? And, and what does jealousy mean? What is the actual meaning of,

of jealousy in the dictionary? So i-it's, it's hostile towards a rival or intolerant of, of, um, unfaithfulness. Right? So they are

doing things that make us feel jealous.

In this case, they're calling it jealous, but what's actually making us feel insecure about the relationship. There's a difference, right? They're putting it into that big unfaithful bucket because

they're probably being unfaithful, and they just wanna kind of, um, divert the attention, stonewall you away from what they're actually doing.

But if you think about the things that they do, so they might, like, hide their phone, right? A lot of people have a second phone that all of a

sudden you find it, and when you say, "What the heck is this?" then you're the jealous bitch. Um, they have secret friends, secret friends that you're not allowed to

know about.

So how are you supposed to trust that relationship to know that it's safe if they're not going to let you be a part of this friendship? That secret romantic

or secret friendship is what is causing you to be insecure, not to be jealous. Um, they flirt in front of the waitress and the bartender, the, um, people in

other places that they do right in front of you. So if they're doing that right in front of you, what are they doing when you're not there? That's what

makes us feel insecure, and, and that is what they turn around and call us jealous. Are we jealous that they have

other friends? No, we're probably hurt because we're left out of that. Um,

other things that they can do is, is maybe meeting old flames or old exes. Can't tell you how many narcissists... And we know they come back, right? But after

you've been with them for ten years and suddenly they're back with their psycho ex-wife or their psycho ex-husband or their psycho ex-boyfriend, um, for ten years, they told you

they were psycho, and now they're with them and, and, like, going out, and you're not allowed to come.

Insecurity about the relationship, right? They're doing things that are untrustworthy and then turning it around and calling you the jealous one. So what do we do about this? We

know this is their tactic. We know that it is a diversion tactic from what they're actually doing. But how do we

get over the fact that they're throwing this "you're the jealous one" out there?

The important part is to know your truth, right? You're not jealous of something. You're insecure because they're making you feel insecure. If you were the jealous type, you probably

would have, you know, displayed those things at the very beginning. You would have been that jealous person all along that, you know, when the cleaning lady was there, you

were ranting and raving that they were having an affair with them. If that's not you, if you're not that person that's always been jealous... And, and I'm not saying

it's a good or a bad thing. There's people that are always jealous and always insecure, and that's probably because they were, you know, in some kind of abusive relationship

that made them feel insecure. So now that recording follows them for the rest of their life, and everyone else is going to be trust-- untrustworthy because someone cheated on

them in their past. So if you look at the people that are truly the jealous ones, they're jealous for a reason. So when they're turning and flipping this on,

know your truth. And understand why they are calling you this. They're calling you this to divert your attention. So as, as a red flag, if they're calling you jealous,

I would say they're doing something wrong. They're flipping the script and, and they're trying to make you into the bad guy. They're trying to make you feel like you're

crazy. And, and you know I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't do that. That's not me, right? If that's what's happening, this is what's happening. Know

that truth and understand that

it's not you. It, it really is them this time.

Another part of jealousy that I see come up with victims of recovery, and, um, I have to say this is probably something that, that happened to me certainly in

the beginning of my recovery, is that

when we are here, and we get pushed down to here because of all of maybe financial abuse and, and verbal abuse and emotional abuse, all of the things that

have made us off our game, we've come down, and maybe we don't have the vacations we used to. Maybe we don't have the money we used to when there

were two incomes in a household. Maybe our lives are just not going to ever be the same. Um, and then we start to watch our friends, the friends that

are still happily married. People get jealous of that. And again, that's not really jealous. That's more sadness for what you have that is a, a lack, right? I'm lacking

that I can't go to Hawaii. Um, as an example on what stirred this, this decision to make this video on was this past week I had, um, nine friends

over for dinner, and at that dinner, uh, I would say four or five of them just got back from beautiful two, three-week cruises in Europe and all these, these

luxurious vacations with their husbands, and it made me think for a moment, "I don't get to do that." Like, there's a little bit of jealousy in there if I

looked at it that way. But I could evaluate it and go, "You know what? I'm not really jealous. I'm so happy that my friends are happy." You know, do

I need more people around me that are sad and, and with a narcissist? No. I need people that are strong and healthy and have healthy relationships so that I

have, you know, some, some good inside my life as well, and I'm blessed to have them. So to take away that call of, "I'm jealous because they get to

go to Europe and I don't," we have to look at that and say

that

the way

I can look at it and, and justify that

it's not jealousy is to look at how far I've come. I might not be able to go on the European vacations anymore, right? But where was I a year

ago? If you're new to recovery, where were you six months ago? Were you down in the dumps? You didn't wanna get out from underneath the covers. You had no

hope, no, no explanations. You were scared. You were full of fear. You couldn't sleep. You couldn't eat. And now look at you, right? You've made it up from there

to here. You're still not maybe here where you're getting the vacations yet, but look behind you. Look at where you've been, and don't judge yourself by where you can't

get anymore. Judge yourself from where you've come and where you are now, because that is the way up. And I'm not saying we all get European vacations. I'm not

trying to be a snobby person about that. I'm using this as an example to show you how you can turn that thought in your mind for being jealous of

a friend or somebody, um, into something else that is not really jealousy, understanding it and, and validating to yourself that you are, um,

better than you were. Give yourself credit. Know where you are and where you've been, and

know that you're not a jealous person. Don't hold onto that jealousy. Don't be angry with your friends because they're going on vacations, or in my case, lots of my

friends, I had so many single friends for a long time after all the married friends sort of disappeared with the marriage. Um, then I had lots of single friends,

and now they're all finding partners. And so you just go, "All right. Well, our circle's getting smaller, but I'm happy. I'm so happy." I was with a friend last

night who finally found someone, and I couldn't have been any happier.

This is how we look at jealousy. This is how we process the, the envious thoughts and i- in a recovery way, because we're looking at our lack and how

our life has changed. Look at how your life has changed, not from where you were when you were married or in a relationship, but look at from the dark,

from the back, the bottom, right? And look at how you've made yourself up. This is gonna be your salvation.

Narcissists are gonna divert their stupid tactics into calling you a jealous, crazy psychopath. Um, but know your truth and use jealousy as a power tool to be proud and

happy for your friends. This is Tracy Malone. Visit my website, narcissistabusesupport.com, and, um, let's get some healing on, all right? Thanks, guys.