The Arkansas Traveler

Whoa.

I wonder if this is the right road. Ah, someone playing a violin. I'll inquire from him. Giddap here. Whoa. I do, boss. What might your name be? Well, it

might be Abe Lincoln, but it ain't. What made you think I was boss here? Why, I guessed it. Well, guess what my name is.

Say, did you see a fellow go by here this morning with one crossed eye named James? No. What was the name of his other eye?

Uh, how long have you lived here? See that hill over there? Yes. Well, that was here when I come.

Now, uh, you don't mean to tell me that you've lived here your whole life. No, not yet. Uh, are you married? No. No bad habits.

No bad habits, eh? Well, what do you chew that tobacco for? For nothing. Nobody's fool enough to pay me for it.

Well, uh, tell me, how far is it to the next crossroads? Follow your nose and you'll come to it.

Uh, where does this road go to? Don't go nowhere. Stays right where it is.

Say, you're a pretty smart fellow. Oh, not half as smart as my brother Bill. Well, uh, who is your brother Bill? My mother's son, of course.

Come, come now, tell me, what is your name? George Washington. Why, you don't mean to tell me that you're the George Washington that chopped down the cherry tree. No,

he ain't done a lick of work for the last year and a half. Say, I saw a horse down the road with a broken leg. Don't you usually kill

a horse with a broken leg? No, we usually kill them with a shotgun.

Say, neighbor, that's a fine apple orchard you have. When is the best time to pick apples? When there ain't no dogs around.

Say, what you doing hereabouts, stranger? Oh, I'm just after a little local color. Well, I reckon you're getting it. That fence you're sitting on was just painted this morning.

Say, I'm a lawyer. Do I look it? Well, yes. Say, I had to go to law not long ago about this house here.

Well, uh, did you have a smart lawyer? You bet I did. He owns the house now.

Say, there's a hole in the roof of your house. Why don't you have it fixed? 'Cause it's been raining lately. Yes, but why don't you fix it when it's

not raining? Well, when it don't rain, it don't leak.

Say, say, for pity's sake, why don't you play the rest of that tune? Well, I just reckon there ain't no man living smart enough for that. Oh, yes, there

is. I think I can if you let me have your fiddle. Ah, thank you. Now, you listen to this.

By Jove, stranger, you're the smartest man I ever seen. Come right in. You're welcome to anything in the house. Are you hungry? Well, yes. I was just out trying

to scare up an appetite for breakfast. Well, come right in and we'll try and scare up a breakfast for your appetite.

Yes, and I know I'll enjoy it. Yes, and be sure to stop on your way coming back.